Cookie Thread Act 3: The Cookie Strikes Back

I just did that I think

ngl when I visualize math stuff, I usually am doing it with my eyes open (because it would be strange to just close my eyes for an extended period of time in public… or i’m driving or something)
but after thinking for a while I kinda space out and don’t get distracted by the stuff in front of me

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I used to do day dreams where it was fairly visual but over the years it’s hit or miss whether the day dreams work anymore

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I think it’s a matter of mental / chemical issues with the brain whether you can do it at any time

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I say chemical because that’s probably an explanation

it’s definitely easier to visualize things with my eyes closed though

oh also I think chess helped my visualization
since that’s very necessary there

I suprise people by knowing how to play chess but not where the pieces go

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I’m very bad at chess visualization

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what how

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how do you calculate tactics

I think a big part of the complete lack of fear of failure thing for me. Also. Is that I have failed my goals Plenty all of the time. On account of the illness, and also on account of the humanity.

I was very very ambitious as a kid. Also obsessed specifically with getting into MIT. Some girl in 3rd grade told me very sincerely once ā€œ[name]'s gonna get into MITā€ and I was like yeah sure taking that to heart forever :white_check_mark:.

But it turns out that I could not do nearly as much as I expected to be able to! I genuinely did not have the physical capacity to get straight As in high school despite clearly having, like, the mental capability to do so. And so I had to come to terms very early with the fact that I would not reach some of my goals. And I was a very grumpy 13-year-old about it.

But having done that, every time I’m even slightly starting to get like ā€œoh no if I fail this exam then I get a bad grade in the class and then it brings down my GPA and then I don’t get into grad school or whateverā€, I just think back to how I felt the exact same way about, like, being physically unable to do an essay and therefore not getting into MIT, and I go Well you didn’t fucking die because you didn’t get into MIT now did you.

If I fail in the future then I know very well that I am capable of finding a way to deal with that failure. Because I’ve done it before. So it makes it very hard to panic.

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I just am
I can’t imagine a board
Despite this I’m a very decent chess player or at least I could be even better if I didn’t solely do bullet and studied
But I can’t envision things

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By looking at the board and seeing different variations

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FIVE YEAR PLAN: Fuck it, we ball

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Trust me if you took the board away from
Me I wouldn’t be able to play chess

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envisioning a full board doesn’t work for me
that being said I have won a game where I was blindfolded and the other person wasnt
I had to look at each section of the board at a time though
also it was a midgame win with a very normal opening (else i’d have forgotten the board)

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WHAT

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Chess people are too much for me

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With that being said I can remember mafia games and chess games by what happened in them, even if I don’t remember sequences or how I got to specific positions I remember what happened in the majoirty of them

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