| Subject: Welcome to Fortress of Lies University! |
Campus Announcement Board <anoungcmitz@folu.edu> |
To: Incoming Students 2025 <incomingstudents2025@lists.folu.edu>
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Dear Students of Fortress of Lies University,
As many of you are aware, late last night, our student records were vandalized with the message “bye bitches”, rendering them unusable. Given that this comes directly after our announcement that we are shuttering our School of Wolfing for minor accounting errors, such as the embezzlement of our faculty’s pension funds into a giant Ferris Wheel, we are unable to determine which of our students were a part of the former School. We recognize that this is a turbulent time for many students, so we ask that you all please remain calm.
Having said that, we call upon our student body to seek out now-invalid IDs of students from the former School of Wolfing and turn them in through the appropriate channels, like the main office incinerator. This will prevent students from the former School of Wolfing from entering university buildings, expelling them as intended. Additionally, to prevent the creation of fraudulent IDs (as our records at the moment are incomplete), we will be not be manufacturing new IDs at this time, so please keep an eye on your own ID lest you lose access to your classes.
Additionally, the construction of notblackorwhite Hall will be halted immediately after a major donor pulled funding. Please do not do “some urbex shit” in the former construction site.
The Fortress of Lies University President could not be reached for comment, as they are “attending their annual popelarp” this week. Please direct all questions to the secretary, May Fromtheflowers.
Regards,
Campus Announcements Board
